Letting Go
by Annabelle536
Summary: Summary: Clint knows it's time. Knows it's time to trade in the bow and arrow for bottles and diapers and he knew he should've done it years ago but there was always something holding him in S.H.I.E.L.D. Now looking out the window he knows he can leave knowing she'll be okay.
1. Learning to Let Go

**Letting Go**

 **Title:** Letting Go

 **Characters:** Clint Barton, Laura Barton, Natasha Romanoff, Steve Rogers

 **Ships:** Clint X Laura, Romanogers

 **Rating:** T

 **Words:** 5,589

 **Summary:** Clint knows it's time. Knows it's time to trade in the bow and arrow for bottles and diapers and he knew he should've done it years ago but there was always something holding him in S.H.I.E.L.D. Now looking out the window he knows he can leave without anything holding him there.

 **AN:** Okay so having watched Avengers: AoU this has been burning in the back of my mind and I'm finally around to typing it down. Just think of it as a bonus scene or AUscene set between from when the Avengers arrive at Clint's farm house to before they go and look for Ultron. Please inform me of typos and well, enjoy!

Clint knows he should be downstairs helping his wife make dinner for their family and their guests. It was a little tradition for Clint and Laura that they made every time he would come back from a mission to make dinner together. He would cut, she would mix, he would pour, she would rinse and in the end, as cliché as it sounds, they would wash the dishes together, often switching position each night. Tonight was his turn to dry.

But no matter how much he tells himself to move, to do anything but sit here against the window to go and find the rest of the team, he finds that he just…can't.

He knows what they're going through. After all they're not the only ones who have had someone uninvitingly enter their mind…to tear their minds apart. To him it felt like someone was cutting him open and exposing all his dreams, hopes, memories, and fears…demons.

He wasn't lying to Natasha when he felt he was being unmade.

After the battle in New York, he took some time to himself. He came back home to be with his family and try to glue himself back together. He should've known he wouldn't do it alone, that once he got on one kneel and pulled out the ring that he's had hidden for months in his quiver, that he wouldn't do anything alone again.

The moment he stepped out of the car, Laura had him in her arms again tightly and protectively, daring anyone to take him away from her, and he knew she'll sock anyone in the face if they tried. But he didn't mind because for the first time since Loki, he felt safe. He felt back at home and it's true, wherever Laura and their children are, that's home.

But despite those unforgettable memories he found himself, much to Laura's displeasure, back in S.H.I.E.L.D in less than a few days.

Even though Loki…mind controlled him and used him like a puppet, Clint didn't have to suffer the consequences like Selvig apparently did nor did he have to witness his deepest fears. Maybe that's why he brought the rest of the Avengers to his home. To give them some sort of sense of security of safety. None of them came back the same, well, maybe Tony but Clint knew he was suffering just like the rest and whatever Tony saw that pushed him to create Ultron, Clint was sure it was something that really got to him…just like the others.

His eyes found the reason for his reluctance to retire from the organization that he's worked at for years: Natasha Romanoff.

Even when he first met her she was always so guarded. It took him a while for her to completely trust him and confide in him.

However, the woman he found in the ship wasn't Natasha Romanoff but Natalia Alianova Romanova: the girl who was forced to give up so much, for people who never gave but used her for their own purposes.

He watched her as she sat on the ground and even with her back to him he knew she was trying to put herself back together again. Just like Bruce, Tony, Steve and Thor were trying to do…and just like he had to do a long time ago.

Despite it being evening out he could see her perfectly. Years of shooting arrows would help with that.

He watched her closely and from her body language he could tell she was trying not to let out the sobs of sadness and of pain she's been holding in since he found her. He could see her shoulders rising heavily indicating she was breathing deeply, her arms were wrapped around herself something he was sure was to provide herself the comfort she needed but wouldn't ask for, the way she was shivering wasn't from the cold and from the years of working with each other he was positive she was trying to remember the good…to out due the bad.

He wanted to go out and comfort her but now wasn't the time. The last time he comforted her during a bad time he got a knife to the throat.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Clint smiled gently knowing exactly who it was. He was actually counting down the minutes to where she'll come and find him. His wife was never prone to leave him when she knew he needed someone to talk to.

"Now what use would a penny be for me?" he responded still not moving his eyes from the form of his partner.

"Well, you could use it as a start to save up for another room or to finally fix the roof," Laura teased making him chuckle.

"Still won't let that go huh?" Clint mused as he continued watching Natasha who pulled her legs to her chest, which was a sign that the nightmares she had were staring to resurface, soon he'll have to hold her down as the demons wrecked her mind. Something he's done in the past when she first began her life as a S.H.I.E.L.D agent.

"Until you have a hammer in your hand and a box of tools in the other, I'll stop," Laura told him honestly as she pulled a seat in front of him.

He couldn't help but smile at her response. It made him remember exactly why he fell in love with her in the first place all those years ago. She was always different from the other women. She wasn't afraid to voice her thoughts and that to him was an attractive trait.

Laura smiled proud of herself, after all these years she was still able to make him smile even when he thinks he can't.

By the simple look on his face she could tell something was on his mind and by following his eyesight towards the window she found the reason for her husband's worry…and her own.

When she saw Natasha enter the house, Laura instantly knew something was wrong. The way she clung to Clint like he was her only source of comfort to the way her eyes were empty was enough information for Laura to know that something went wrong on the mission. Natasha came back almost as worse as Clint did after New York and by the way the others came in she could tell that it affected them all, even Clint. Maybe not the way the others took it but she knew Clint well enough to know he blamed himself for not warning them sooner about whatever it is that happened. Clint liked to think himself as the eyes of the group; he would get a high vintage point and helped by calling out any threats or taking out the threats himself to make sure the others were okay and to know something went passed him and hurt the others…he took it personally. Especially since the Avengers were like his second family and knowing he wasn't able help them to his full capacity only made him feel worse…especially since Natasha got hurt. Not physically but mentally.

Watching Natasha now only made Laura wonder how exactly the rest of the Avengers would get passed this. It would take time and support. They wouldn't heal now, not until Ultron was taken care of, then the process of healing could begin. Even then you wouldn't be able to tell if they were healing. They always had a way of putting on a mask. One where it wasn't used to save the world but to reassure the ones you loved that everything was okay. Luckily for her Clint gave up in trying hiding anything from her. She wasn't sure if the others had someone and she thought Bruce would be there for Natasha but seeing her out there alone, Laura wasn't so sure anymore.

"She'll be okay," she finally said.

She wasn't sure who she was trying to reassure Clint or herself.

"Normally I would believe you but I know Natasha well enough to know this isn't going to go away anytime soon," Clint said not bothering in lying to her.

"Hey," Laura said leaning towards him and grabbing his knee and for the first time since she arrived he looked up to her. She could see the worry he had for her just like he saw it on her face.

Laura never was worried about her relationship with Clint when he first introduced her to Natasha. Sure there was a short moment of jealousy but what woman wouldn't be jealous of the fiery red head. After all Natasha never made any move towards Clint and she herself have told her that she thinks of Clint as the brother she never had.

"She's going to be okay," she reassured looking him in the eye.

"I promised her she wouldn't have to go through the pain of her past again," Clint said looking down.

"When she joined S.H.I.E.L.D and became my partner I told her I'll protect her," he said looking out the window again.

Laura smiled remembering perfectly the day Clint told her he took Natasha as a partner. He looked so sure of himself, so determined to give her the second chance he believed she deserved and she was proud of the man she's now married to.

"That she wouldn't have to worry about the KGB or Red Room and the nightmares would slowly go away, and I remember what she told me when I told her that," he said still looking out.

"What she say?" Laura asked curiously. She never heard this part of the story between Clint and Natasha.

"She told me: The past always has a way of coming back to bite you in the ass," He smiled remembering her snarky attitude towards him when he first met her.

"That does sound like her," Laura agreed.

"I just don't know how to help her," Clint admitted looking back down at his hands.

Ever since Budapest, Clint always knew how to help Natasha. What had and should be said to calm her or assure her, when he should comfort her, when he should distract her and now? Now he didn't know what to do and that bothered him. If he couldn't help his old partner how was he supposed to help the others? How was he ever going to be a father to his children?

"Maybe its time to step down and let someone else help her," Laura suggested obvious to his other worries.

"Yeah like who?" Clint asked looking out again.

He noted that Natasha now had her knees to her chest, her head on her knees and by her shoulder movement she was starting to hyperventilate. The nightmares were staring to come to life for her and he knew he should be prepared to jump up and run down to her if she started to get worse.

"Bruce?" Laura suggested glancing out the window and back at him.

Clint couldn't help it. He honestly couldn't even if he tried. He laughed.

"What, what's so funny?" she asked shocked by his response to her suggestion. She honestly thought Nat and Bruce were a thing by the way the way they acted around each other.

Clint laughed as he shook his head trying to get his head around on why his wife was so sure that Nat had a thing for Bruce.

Clint's laughter turned to chuckles, glancing at his wife before he looked down and saw someone else making their way towards Natasha. Someone Clint knew was going to go to her.

"Bruce and Nat will never work out, no matter what you see between them it will never go any further than a few months," he said smiling towards her.

"Oh really, why are you so sure they won't work out?" Laura challenged crossing her arms and sitting back glaring at him.

He smirked over at her looked out again and upon seeing both still alive and unhurt proved his theory that he's had since New York.

"Because of him," Clint nodded towards the window and confused, Laura uncrossed her arms and leaned towards the window to look at the supposed reason as to why Bruce and Nat would never go far.

Steve Rogers.

From what Laura saw the super soldier was standing a few feet away from Nat before he ever so slowly approached her 'till he was standing next to her, looking down at her. Laura watched in fascination as he took a seat next to her completely unafraid. Even from here, Laura saw the way Nat tensed when he gently placed a hand on her shoulder but she gasped when Nat placed her head into Steve's shoulder and uncurled herself to hug into Steve who moved closer to her and placed his arm around her shoulders holding Natasha close. Even with their backs turned to her, Laura could tell Steve was telling Nat something, it was an intuition that was proved correct when she saw Nat no longer tense by the shaking of her head Laura knew she was telling Steve something.

By the way they acted this wasn't the first time they comforted the other. Nor would it be the last.

"But, I thought…" Laura was at a lost for words as she continued watching the scene between the two.

"That's why I never retired from S.H.I.E.L.D," Clint said out of nowhere making Laura look at him not knowing where he was going.

"You once asked why I won't retire from S.H.I.E.L.D a long time ago, do you remember that?" Clint asked facing her and looking her in the eye.

Of course she did. She asked thousands of times why he just won't store the arrows and quiver and quit and he would always change the subject or give the poor excuse that that was all he knew and that was his job since before they met. All she ever wanted was a true answer and it seemed today she would finally get it.

"Yeah," she whispered awaiting the answer she wanted desperately.

Clint swallowed suddenly feeling vulnerable. This would be the first time he would admit the reason to anybody whyhe never was able to retire and peacefully raise their children without the fear of him getting seriously hurt or worse…him not coming home at all.

"Because I couldn't leave her," he finally said once again looking down at her hands.

By the time he looked up at her he could see the confusion in there and he knew he had to explain.

"When I found Natasha she was only 18," He said nodding softly.

"I never met the Black Widow in Budapest, not even Natasha Romanoff but Natalia Romanova," Clint told her.

"Even back then I could tell all she wanted was a chance to prove that she wasn't what people make her out to be, and I felt this sense that I had to shield her and I wanted to give her the second chance she deserved," Clint said glancing up at her to find her smiling softly at him.

"So when she joined S.H.I.E.L.D I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't leave her because I felt she wouldn't be okay, I didn't trust anyone there to have her back on a mission, or to protect her, or to put her life before theirs, I just couldn't trust anyone to have her back and no matter how much I kept telling myself that I had to let her go…and after years of working together, of her getting everyone's respect, I still couldn't leave her because I just couldn't trust anyone, but now," Clint trailed off, looking down

"Now what?" Laura asked softly looking at him.

"Now I know I can trust someone," Clint stated looking back up and out the window where the soldier and spy where just sitting there.

Clint noted with pride that Natasha was no longer curled nor was she hyperventilating and he had the super soldier to thank for that.

"So does this mean you're retiring?" Laura asked feeling her hope rise.

"Not right now, the Avengers still need me and I can't leave them now," Clint sighed knowing or rather feeling she would ask him that after he told. But after what happened with the Twins and Ultron, he couldn't afford to leave them now. Not until Ultron was either split in half by Hulk or had an arrow in the eye, but Clint doubted the arrow would make much difference since Ultron was so to say a robot…maybe an electrocuting arrow would do it.

Laura smiled sadly. He was right they did need him and possible even the world too. But she also needed him. She could wait though. Sooner or later he would make her day by telling her exactly what she wanted to hear. Not today or tomorrow or maybe even a month later but he would say it. All she had to do was to wait until he was ready.

She sighed leaning back in her chair and watch Steve and Natasha.

Now that she thought about it, Natasha did seem to keep close to Steve when they arrived, not as close as she was to Clint but Natasha did seem to stay in the same room as him.

"When did Steve and Nat happen," she finally asked.

Clint could have laughed at the similarity her question posed to the one she asked him when they arrived. Only now it was about Steve instead of Bruce and now he could actually answer.

"Well, they worked together in New York, from what Nat told me he was actually the one to give her a boost onto one of those things the Chitari were riding," Clint said recounting the small smile Nat wore when she told him all about it.

"Really, I thought she just took the elevator," Laura laughed thinking exactly that went Clint told her Nat took a ride to get to the top. In her defense he never really did specify the type of ride Nat took.

"No, you know Nat, never one to let the guys have all the fun," Clint chuckled.

It was moments like this where he would miss being home, with his wife who always had a way of making him smile and laugh even when he's got too much going on, and his kids who were just the motivation he needed to make sure he came back home to them.

"What else?" Laura asked trying to calm down her laughs wanting to hear more about the two Avengers.

"They worked together along with someone else to bring down S.H.I.E.L.D or HYDRA or whatever it was down months ago," Clint said not really wanting to go into detail about it.

Truth be told, Laura didn't really want to either since the only thing that came to mind about that particular event was Clint's broken hearted look when he recounted to her on how the organization he's worked at for years was the one behind so many wars and tragedies.

"There's more," Laura said sensing there was more to the story than from what Clint was telling her so far. Steve must have done something that earned not only Clint's respect but his trust as well.

Clint breathed a chuckle at how well his wife knew him; it was scary of course since he knows he could and would never lie to her.

"Steve did something that earned your trust with Nat," she said knowingly.

"He did, he saved her life not once but twice and he trusted her despite her lying to him, and you and I both know how hard it is to trust someone who lied to you while everything around you is falling apart," Clint said looking her dead in the eye.

"Yeah, it's nice to know they weren't alone during that time since I suppose it wasn't easy on either of them," she said looking out the window.

Laura saw as Steve gently lay his own head against Nat's who still had hers in his shoulder.

"I have to say The Spy and The Soldier sounds better than The Spy and The Doctor," Laura said shyly making Clint smirk.

"Yeah," Clint agreed as he watched both Steve and Nat continue to sit outside despite it being dark out. He smiled when he saw Steve's arm still around her shoulder's and her hand in his and even with their backs still turned he could sense the small smiles on their faces. Together they can begin to heal. Not now but soon.

"So, is Robin Hood ready to help his lady Marian make dinner for their hungry kids and guests?" Laura teased turning from the window, also having witnessed the scene between the former S.H.I.E.L.D agents.

"Yep, his ass is starting to get tired of this chair," Clint joked getting up and wincing at the stiffening feeling.

"What do expect, it's a wooden chair, wooden chairs are an ass' nightmare!" Laura laughed as she got up too. She wasn't as stiff as Clint and for that she was grateful. Now she could tease him better while he walked around like he has an arrow up where the sun doesn't shine like she's threatened him in the past.

Laura walked to the doorway and turned around when she felt Clint wasn't following her. She was right. He was standing and looking out the window. She smiled gently knowing exactly what was holding him there.

"She's going to be okay," She reassured coming up behind him and hugging him around his middle.

"I see that now, it's just," Clint said looking down at her hands around his stomach.

"It's hard letting go I know," Laura began and Clint continued looking down feeling his heart drop hearing the words that he dreaded because he knew what they meant.

"Especially letting someone go, someone you've watched grow as a person and overcome so much and I know you love Nat as a sister, I do to and you're not the only one who doesn't want to see her go," Laura said smiling up at him.

"I know I have to let her go," Clint nodded feeling his breath harden at what he should say. What he should've said a long time ago.

"I just can't, I guess I still feel like she still needs me," Clint said feeling something prickling in his eyes. God, it better not be tears, if Nat or Tony saw them he would never hear the end of it.

"But she doesn't," Laura told him also feeling tears. She knows how hard it is for him. Letting Nat go wasn't just letting his partner go…but the life of a spy, an agent, and a sniper…an Avenger. It was closing a door to life he lived for so long he felt it was all he had. All he knew.

"She has him now," she nodded towards the window knowing he got the message.

"I look at her and I still see the girl I found, I should see the woman she is today and I do, it's just that I'm afraid if I leave her she'll need me and I won't be there for her," he whispered feeling the tears grow bigger. It's been so long since he last felt this…vulnerable but in front of Laura he didn't feel weak, he felt human.

"She's a strong woman Clint, and from what you just told me, Steve would protect her just like she'll protect him, they'll have each others back, just like you two had each others," Laura said.

It was one of those rare moments where she felt him lower his guards completely and be able to talk to her about everything without anything holding him back.

"I guess I just got so used to being the only constant man in her life, its hard knowing that I'm not anymore, she has Fury, Thor, Bruce, Tony even if she says she can't stand him I know she cares about him, and of course she has Steve," Clint said with a slight bitter tone and it wasn't because he has anything against them because he cares about them too.

"Through it all though she still has you," Laura assured him feeling him tense slightly.

"And she always will," Clint promised meaning it. He always keeps his promises especially towards the ones he cares about, to his family.

"It's time Clint," Laura softly told him.

Clint breathed a sigh glancing back at her before looking down again.

"I know," he finally said.

"Well come on, Katniss!" she joked thumping him in the shoulder.

Clint rolled his eyes. A friend of hers introduced her to the book series and upon discovering that the main protagonist was an exceptional archer, she would often tease him about it. It would be an absolute nightmare for him if she and Tony teamed up to name call him.

"You go ahead I'll be down in a second," Clint said detaching himself from her gently.

"You sure, I don't want to have to come back up here and treat you like a teenage girl suffering a breakup," Laura said trying to light the mood.

Clint laughed moving to hug her, well the best he could without squishing her large stomach.

"I just got to finish up something," Clint assured kissing the top of her head.

"Okay," Laura said unsurely as she moved to the door.

"Laura," Clint called after her.

"Yes?" she asked turning around wondering what was going on now.

"Love you," Clint said simply and sweetly meaning every word.

"Love you too," Laura smiled feeling this was his way of thanking her for not only talking to him but for being ere with him after all these years.

She gave him one more smile before she moved to start dinner. If from what she heard was true then she would have to have a lot of food prepared to feed the entire Avengers team.

Clint watched her leave before he pulled out a small spider charm. Natasha got him it on one of their first missions together as partners. He repaid her by getting her the arrow necklace she sometimes wore. It wasn't anything romantic but rather a way of having the other close when they needed them but they weren't there. He would always put it in his pocket or even somewhere in his quiver. He wasn't much of a necklace type nor a bracelet type but having it close was enough.

He looked from the charm to out the window where Steve was now helping Natasha up. He moved slightly away from the window knowing Natasha would kill him if she knew he was spying on her but he had to make sure.

He had a sideways view of them and he could see they were telling each other something. The reason he was so surprised when Laura brought up that Nat possibly had a thing for Bruce was because he's seen how she acts around Steve. If Steve thought Nat was relaxed around Bruce he should see the way she was around him. Carefree, happy, and after Nat told him what happened with the Winter Soldier, Clint could feel she felt safe with Steve, something she only felt with him.

Looking at them now Clint knew she was going to be okay. Without him she was going to move forward with her life…and so will he.

With a deep breath Clint put the charm in his pocket one last time. He knew what was going to happen after the whole thing with Ultron was taken care of. This would be the last time Clint accompanied Natasha on the battlefield. The time he would take down bad guys using the bow and arrows. The last time he walked out his front door as an Avenger. Laura was right. It was time to focus on more important things and after this his most important mission would be being a husband, raising his children and fixing the goddamn roof. It was time to hang up the bow and arrow, trade in the convertible for a dad van, quite spying on the bad guys and instead spy on the guys who would look at his daughter the same way he looks at Laura and the same way Steve looks at Nat (he wasn't really looking forward to that…come to think about it he would have to bring out the bow and arrows when she brought over…boy. Just the mere thought made him shiver).

He didn't know how Nat would react and he hoped it would be a good reaction, looks like he wouldn't have any other option but to tell her. He would be lying if he wasn't nervous to tell his partner of so many years that this would be his last mission with her…with them all.

"Laura's right, Nat," Clint said to himself looking down and stuffing his hands in his pockets, a small habit of his, he's had since he was just a kid growing up in the circus. He couldn't explain why he did it exactly only that it was comforting to him in a strange way.

"I can't keep being something that I'm getting too old to be," there he said it! He finally admitted that he just wasn't the man he was 10 years ago. He couldn't get up from bed anymore without cracking his aging muscles, he wasn't as flexible as he was when he first started and worse of all, and he couldn't find it in himself to put 100% in a mission. And that to him was a wake up call warning him that he had to stop or else he was going to get seriously hurt…or someone else would get hurt.

The looks of his teammates came back to his mind and he had to force them back, there was no time for that. He had to be strong for them all, for himself.

"I know I can leave without being worried about you because I know you'll be okay," he continued to himself.

He glanced back out and saw both of them slowly made their way back in.

"You'll be okay, Nat, I know you'll be okay without me," Clint smiled to himself.

He feels, knows she'll be okay. After everything they've gone through together, every mission, every conversation, every single moment has led up to this. The moment he knew he had to let her go so both could be happy.

The moment he saw her smile as she made her way back inside made him realize it was time.  
She would be okay.

 **AN:** Not sure how I did since its my first Avengers story and I apolagize if I got anything wrong. I don't know the full extent to Laura's and Clint's relationship but from what I saw they really do care about each other. Also I have nothing against the Bruce and Natasha romance, my shipping heart just decided to add more Romanogers and after seeing CA:TWS I just feel Steve would've at least said something to her. Hope you enjoyed and who knows maybe I'll add a sequel; like when Clint tells Natasha he's retiring or the conversation between Steve and Natasha, you guys can decide by leaving me a review.

PS: I'm sorry for possible OOC.


	2. Traumatized Minds but Healing Hearts

**Traumatized Mind but Healing Heart**

 **Title:** Traumatized Mind but Healing Heart

 **Words:** 5,395

 **Summary:** Natasha couldn't pretend she didn't relive her past. Nor could she hide the pain and fear it brought back. But maybe after a conversation with a certain friend, maybe, just maybe she could start to move on from her past…Completely. Spoilers for Avengers: AoU

 **Ship:** Romanogers (Steve/Natasha) friendship or relationship

 **Rating:** T

 **Warning:** Slight or major (depending on your view points) spoilers for Avengers: Age of Ultron and CA: TWS

 **Author's Note:** _This is part 2 of the previous chapter or one shot:_ _ **Letting Go**_ _. The majority of the answers I received when I asked if I should make a sequel responded yes and particularly the conversation between both Steve and Natasha. Don't worry for those who asked for the version where Clint tells Natasha that he's retiring,_ _ **IT WILL BE WRITTEN**_ _. I don't know when I'll have it posted but I do have the basic outline on how I want that conversation to go._

 _This is just my own version on what MIGHT have been said if Steve and Natasha got the opportunity to interact more, especially after the hex. That and it's my lame attempt at trying to add more Steve/Natasha moments into the movie._

Well hope you enjoy.

 **SPOILERS AHEAD! I think!**

* * *

" _ **Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?"**_  
 _ **― Mary Manin Morrissey**_

* * *

She didn't know how long she's been out here, sitting on the ground in front of Clint's home just staring mindlessly ahead of her and into the woods that surrounded the farm house.

Clint being Clint offered to come with her, of course he did. He was her best friend and knew what she saw, or at least had an idea about it and out of every one of her teammates he would have understood and had a better chance at trying to comfort her about what it but even Clint couldn't feel the pain and fear just reliving those short memories brought back to her. Clint, after all never gave Wanda the opportunity to get into his mind.

She wasn't sure on how long the others and her were under the effects of Wanda's hypnosis. According to Tony it wasn't long but it was long enough to distract them while Hulk was off rampaging and destroying the nearby city while Tony did his best to try and contain and calm him down, or better yet knock him out. Unfortunately that little distraction also allowed Ultron to escape with the vibranium

She wasn't even sure on what the others saw. But she was sure on one thing: none of them came out the same.

Whatever Thor, Bruce, Steve and her saw changed them.

From what she saw, Thor looked confused, like he himself didn't quite understand what he saw and that's why he left…to find answers to whatever dark event he saw. Where he went, she had no idea. She did know that he'll return. He always did, late, but he comes back.

Bruce looked, well, traumatized. She knew he tried so hard for people not to see the Hulk. Not the Hulk that would accompany them on missions, the Hulk that fought with them during the Chitari invasion, the Hulk that saved Tony from when he fell from the sky…the Hulk that would listen and calm down to her words. No, it was THE Hulk that Bruce tried so desperately for people not to see: the Hulk that destroyed part of the heli-carrier, the one who fought Thor, the one that's capable of destroying entire cities…the one who made her feel fear again.

To know he destroyed various building, endangered lives and even hurt others, was what she knew killed him inside. Some things you can't take back no matter how much and how hard you want to and for Bruce, this was one of those things you just couldn't change.

And Steve, Natasha knew he didn't take it as hard as Bruce nor did he not understand his vision like Thor but Natasha's heart shattered even more when she laid her eyes on the super soldier. On the man that trusted her enough to save his life.

The once bright blue eyes that were always filled with kindness, compassion, determination were now void of any emotion other than sadness and regret. Even his spirit wasn't the same since he would normally make sure his team was okay, ask them if they were fine and make sure they didn't suffer any injuries, and the fact that during the entire ride to Clint's was filled with silence from him only made her wonder, what exactly could he have seen that made him so quiet.

If asked on why she chose to sit near him, she could respond by saying that she sat down first and he followed, or there wasn't another place to sit or even that she wanted to comfort him. But she knew she wouldn't just lie to them, she would also be lying to herself and after years of living the life of lies she was getting sick of them.

She wanted to feel safe, like Red Room couldn't come near her again and make her suffer the way they did and to her, her safe zone was wherever Steve was. After he saved her life and protected her back when they were dealing with HYRDA, Natasha would admit to only herself, that being with Steve was the safest she would get.

The moment they arrived at the familiar farm house Natasha was led out of the jet by Clint and the only reason she went willingly was because she couldn't get over on what she saw. The painful images showed every time she closed her eyes.

Even now out in the open, surrounded by the trees and under the darkening blue sky she still couldn't forget the screams that haunt her mind.

They echoed along with voices telling her to kill while others begged her not to, the images that plagued her nightmares for years became more vivid then she remembered and the pain of being cut open, not just literally but also figuratively was once again fresh in her mind. It feels like she went through it just today.

She hated the fact that she couldn't close her eyes for even a minute without seeing the faces of the people who trained her and the empty faces of the lives she took. She hated it when she would begin to hyperventilate as she remembered the fear of being strapped down to a gurney and led to a room where she knew she would come out changed…alive, but changed. And she hated it even more that she felt numb again. Unlike last time she heard of Red Room (which was when she left) she didn't feel numb because she didn't know what to do now that she was free, now she felt numb because of fear. The last time she felt fear was nearly 3 years ago and even then that doesn't compare to the feeling she was in now. Nothing could ever compare to the feeling you have when your past, a past you try so hard to forget, to bury with a shovel and place a large R.I.P stone on top and flip it off, comes crashing down on you as though it was waiting for the moment it knew you least expected it so it can cause you even more pain. The fact that everyone knew about it only made it worse for her.

She thought by being alone surrounded by nature and quiet it would help her calm down but it only made her more alert. She missed the feeling of being relaxed, of not having to look over your shoulder every five minutes for anything suspicious and itch to have your gun in hand to shoot anybody that got too close. She missed laughing and smiling and acting like a normal woman or the closest she could get to being normal. And not a woman who currently wanted to shoot a bird that was chirping because she feared it was some sort of sick sign to the enemy that she was alone and defenseless. Actually she was the Black Widow she was never defenseless and she willed her hand not to grab the gun strapped to her thigh because she didn't want to give into her fears. But as the bird continued with its chirpy happy song, Natasha found herself grabbing her head in frustration because the damn bird was chirping the song from her memory.

" _You shouldn't have survived," a woman told her in Russian as she led her in._

" _I want to be alive," Natasha replied stubbornly._

" _Oh child," the older woman said looking down at her with such pity it made her stomach turn in uneasiness._

" _After what you shall see, after what you shall experience, you will wish you have died," the woman warned her._

Natasha's breaths were coming out in pants as she desperately tried to push the memories out. But by pushing one away, millions other come swarming back.

" _Try harder!" a man barked at her as he took a swing at her and she wasn't fast enough to avoid it._

" _Useless!" he sneered down at her with a look of repulse as she lay on the ground grabbing her cheek in pain while she tried not to let the tears fall that were pooled in her eyes._

" _If you ever want to get anywhere in this world you must learn to fight back!" He warned as he roughly hauled her by her arm and onto her feet. She didn't have a choice but to try and fight back._

Natasha wrapped her arms around herself, trying to protect herself as though someone was about to strike her. In her mind they were. Luckily the bird seemed to get the hint and had flown away but the memories however didn't.

" _Please, please, don't do this please!" she screamed trying to free herself but she couldn't. They strapped her in tight knowing she would struggle._

" _The longer you fight this Natalia the longer you avoid who you are," the sickening voice that haunted her mind answered her while he smiled the smile that made her tremble in fear._

Even to this day his voice made her want shiver in fear. His smile sickened her to her stomach and her breaths were coming out harsher. She hasn't thought about him in years. She hasn't even had a nightmare in a long time. Now, now everything was crashing down on her and memories were flashing before her.

" _No need to fear, Natalia."_

" _She is the most obvious choice."_

" _She will be perfect."_

" _The perfect spy."_

Natasha brought her legs to her chest. She doesn't want to remember this. She doesn't want to remember the pain. She doesn't want to remember any of their voices. She doesn't want any of this anymore!

" _The Black Widow."_

She felt something on her shoulder and just when she was about to pull her gun out and shoot whatever touched her, a familiar smell hit her nose.

She couldn't explain the smell even if she tried. It smelled like soap. But it was the certain muskiness that made her realize exactly who it was.

Steve.

Without any thought, any uncertainness and any feeling of pride she placed her head in his shoulder and uncurled herself to fit closer to him. She needed this. She needed the comfort, the feeling that nothing was going to harm her that nothing was going to make her go back.

She felt him wrap his arm around her shoulder to bring her closer and this little gesture. This small innocent gesture that for anyone must be meaningless made her feel as nothing or anyone can hurt her. Not again.

"Its okay, Nat, everything's going to be okay," he whispered into her hair. He saw the way she practically ran out the door an hour ago. He wanted to check on her the moment he saw her tense up before she made the run but he knew she wanted, needed to be alone, at least back then. After the hour mark though he knew he had to come make sure she was okay. He made signals to Dr. Banner to go check on her but the doctor was lost in his mind as the rest were.

He felt her shake her head against him and it broke him to see her like this. He was so used to her being independent, strong, and fearless, not this...broken. The closest he's ever seen her like this was when after they discovered about HYDRA. Not even seeing her vulnerable back then could prepare him for the state of vulnerability she was displaying now. She was practically clinging to him!

"It's not okay, they won't go away," she muttered trying to hold in the tears she's been holding since she saw herself shoot the man in the head again. The first of the many lives she would take.

 _They._

Steve knows what she meant: the nightmares. He knows because he has them too. Just like her he's had them replaying in his mind over and over again since he was able to snap put of the hex.

He relieves the memory where his mother died, the horrible memory where he saw Bucky fall to his 'death', he feels the pain of losing the ones you care about. He remembers the last conversation with Peggy he had before he went under, the way he felt when he was practically saying goodbye. He remembers the cold. The feeling of being lost when he woke, but most of all, he felt the loneliness. Finding out everyone but Peggy had died, his comrades, his friends, his leaders, everything all gone. The buildings he once knew and the locations he remembered were all gone. Replaced with something he couldn't even dream about. The only real thing he had to remind him of his past is Peggy. Even he knew he had very limited time with her. What would happen when he looses her too? The last real thing he had that tied him to his past.

Steve gulped. Now wasn't the time to show just how vulnerable he was too. He had to be strong. Not just for his team and himself, but for her too. He had to take on the role as leader for the team. Right now however he had to be the friend he requested from her a long time ago.

 **" _Who do you want me to be?"_**

 **" _How about a friend."_**

 **" _There's a chance you might be in the wrong business, Rogers."_**

"What she make you see?" Natasha asked softly against his shoulder. She remembers not only the coldness from Russia but the coldness of isolation, so the warmth his body radiated was greatly welcomed.

She hated to do this to him but she had to get her mind off her own nightmares. She hated on how selfish she was possibly being right now. Making him tell her what he saw, making him relieve it. Her curiosity got the best of her and besides, everyone needed someone and she wanted to be that someone for him.

Steve took a breath. He knows exactly what she meant. What he saw that made him so…closed off.

"Peggy," he whispered.

Natasha's eyebrows furrowed in complete conclusion. She knows his past with her. She knew who Margaret Carter was, especially her past with Steve, which was why she wasn't surprised when he remained silent when she asked him about her when they were in his old military base.

If anything she was expecting him to have the vision with Bucky. She knew Steve saw him fall to his 'death' and she saw how affected he was when they found out he was actually alive. She thought that whatever caused him to close off from the rest of them on their way here that it had something to do with Bucky, or the war, or being in a new time period, or even being in the ice for so long. Never would she have imagined him to have his darkest event and fear to be with the woman he loves.

She saw first hand the smile that Steve would wear after he came back from a visit to Peggy. She's heard the way he talks about her, the way his face turns soft at her name and even seen some of few drawings he made of her.

So she couldn't understand why he saw her.

"It's not what you think, Nat," he said. When he glanced down at her to see her reaction he caught the flash of surprise and confusion on her face.

"It's actually what it represented," he said looking down. Even now he hated remembering it.

"What did it represent," she asked looking up at him. She wanted to see his face when he told her. Not so she could tell if he was lying to her, he would never do that to her. But so she could see just how much it affected him.

"What I lost," Steve said refusing to look up and let her see just how much it did affect him. But she didn't need to see his face to know, the tone in his voice was all she needed to know that he was suffering just as much as she was.

"We were at Stork Club, the club we agreed for our date if I came back," he began and Natasha cursed the word if. If represented what could have happened. If he didn't become Captain America and crash the plane or if she wasn't recruited and trained to be the Black Widow. If, represented so many possibilities that both had the chance to live. For obvious reasons they didn't.

"The place was crowded, I was wearing my captain's uniform and she was wearing the red dress I first saw her in when I truly began falling for her and I thought we could finally have the dance I promised her," Steve continued and Natasha knew what he meant, the promised dance that was over 70 years old, the date that could and would never happen. Natasha knew that when Steve found out Peggy was still alive he wanted to give her the dance he promised. But Peggy's age and illness made it impossible for her to do it without risking her health, and despite Peggy's assurance Steve didn't want to risk it. Natasha knew just how much that simple broken promise meant for Steve. He was a man of his word and knowing he wasn't able to fulfill a promise he made to his first love hurt him. But Steve being Steve acted like it didn't hurt him and that he was okay with it.

"She told me we could go home and then everything disappeared, she disappeared along with everyone else and I was left alone in the room, that's when I realized, I don't know where home is, I'm alone," he revealed and that's when Natasha finally caught up as to why the vision affected him.

Steve came from a time where cellphones, elevators, advance medicine, digital anything, was nothing but a dream, a far off wish that no one, not even Howard Stark knew how to reach. He goes under, wakes up to, well the 21st century and he coped well despite it. It was finding out everyone he knew died that really got to him. The Howling Commandos, General Phillip, Howard Stark, and anyone else from his time that he knew were all dead. Each left families behind and that was maybe the only comfort to Steve, that they lived their lives. Now the only person he knows from his time is Peggy and judging by how Natasha last saw the founding S.H.I.E.L.D agent, she wasn't going to be around much time.

When Peggy dies, Steve will truly have no one from his time. He'll feel more alone then ever. He can't go back to his time and he doesn't feel like he belongs in this time.

With a new found strength she didn't even know she still had Natasha vowed herself something. That as long as she was up and kicking men's ass she wasn't going to let him feel alone. He never left her when she felt vulnerable. The HYRDA incident and now proved that. She was going to be there for him, no matter what.

"You won't be alone," Natasha told him and she saw a flicker of pain pass through his face. Unbiased to her, she didn't know she just repeated what Peggy had told him before he went under.

Steve smiled sadly holding onto her tighter. Maybe not just for her comfort but for his as well.

" _Kill him, Natalia."_

" _Natalia, finish him,"_

 _''You mustn't feel."_

Natasha closed her eyes tightly trying to get the memories, the voices out of her head.

" _Kill him, Natalia, kill her, kill them, KILL THEM!"_

"Natasha!" Steve shook her slightly.

He saw the way she closed her eyes. It was the same way he would when he tried to get the memories out.

Natasha let out a shuddering breath as she regained her mind. It wasn't fair for her to go years without a single memory and yet here she was, practically breaking down.

"What she make you see?" Steve softly asked. In all honestly he wasn't expected her to answer. She never talked about her past, not even to Clint and the chances she would tell him were minimal. That didn't mean he wouldn't try. He's read her file and knew the basics. There wasn't enough information but from what he was able to get his hands on he was able to sum up that she didn't have an easy life. So whatever she saw must have been awful.

Natasha closed her eyes. She didn't want to think about it let alone talk about it. But Steve told her what he saw. He didn't have to and yet he still told her. He trusted her enough to tell her his fears.

 **" _If it was the other way around, and it was down to me to save your life, can you be honest with me, would you trust me to do it?"_**

 **" _I would now."_**

"I know you might not want to tell me and believe me I don't want you to relive what you saw," Steve said before he gently placed his own head on top of hers. Considering she didn't punch him, he took it as a good sign.

"But I've learned from experience its not good keeping everything bad in and pushing it into the back of your mind trying to pretend it never happened believe me I know and it only made it worse for me as time went by," he continued before he took a glance at her hoping his words were getting to her.

"Keeping everything in only makes it worse once you let everything out, letting it out doesn't make you seem weak, it makes you strong because you were brave enough to admit you have fears and insecurities and that you accept them, what happened in the past doesn't define who you are today, whatever happened, happened and it's the present you have to live in, it's the decisions you take now that matter, not the ones you took but the ones you will take," Steve said recalling what he went through when he was beginning to cope with the time era.

Natasha took a breath and decided to drop her guard down. He was right. Of course he was right.

Besides this was Steve, Steve who she fought with against the Chitari, Steve who became her partner, Steve who trusted her even though she lied to him, Steve who saved her from the Winter Soldier and was by her side when her world began crumbling around her, Steve who she…cared about.

He would never mock her or judge her on her past. On every thing she ever did in her past, he would never think anything less of her.

Just like he trusted her, she trusted him.

"Red Room," she revealed lowly.

Saying those words were like saying Voldemort (she's only read the first two books but Clint became obsessed with the series). People feared speaking his name because they thought it would allow him to find them. She feared those words because they brought back everything: memories, pain, voices, nightmares, feelings, everything. Saying those words were enough to make her freeze. Just uttering them made her heart stop. When she joined S.H.I.E.L.D she vowed to herself that she would never say those two words again. That she would never replay what happened there because it was in the past. She guessed that's where she went wrong.

Steve nodded his head. He only knew the basics of Red Room: it was the secret Soviet Union organization that trained her. He tried to find out more but there wasn't so much information about it. Besides he didn't want to pry in her personal life without her consent.

"I saw everything," She muttered adjusting herself so she it closer to him. She was already clinging to his side but she didn't care. No one was out here to see her like this and even if they were she wouldn't care, she was comfortable and safe and that was all that mattered to her.

"What you see?" he asked after he himself adjusted to better hold her.

"From the ballet, to them training me, injecting me, making me kill, it was everything," she told him closing her eyes against him.

"I still hear them, their voices and the voices of those I killed; I see their faces every time I close my eyes, images of them laying there, I remember the training, the procedure," she told him finding it somehow easier to just let it out. He was right.

Steve nodded understanding from where she was coming from. When he first woke up in the new century he would hear voices too, voices of his past, every night when he would go to sleep he sees Bucky falling, especially after discovering he was alive those nightmares became more vivid and he sometimes dreamt of Bucky telling him he failed him before he turned into the Winter Soldier. He doesn't exactly know what she meant by procedure but he guessed it had something to do with the serum that was injected in her too. To this day he can remember his own procedure perfectly and feel the needles, the serum injected and it working.

"I don't want to go back," Natasha whispered opening her eyes and noting that it was now late out. They'll have to go in soon or the others would begin looking and she didn't want anyone else to see her like this.

"You won't," Steve assured her.

"I promise you, you won't go back," Steve promised. He knew she didn't believe him but he swore to himself he won't let anything hurt her again.

It was funny for him: he sometimes wanted to go back to his time and she never wants to go back to hers. Both experimented on, both used in wars, both were gave a second chance and now both were lost.

He was soldier and she was spy. Both became what others expected them and both have lost probably more than want they gained.

Here with her made him feel like he didn't loose anything but more like he gained something. What he gained, he doesn't know.

Natasha wanted to respond back telling him that he couldn't promise that. But when she glanced up to him she saw he was beginning to relax. He wasn't tense anymore and surprising for her she wasn't either.

For the first time since the hex, since the thing with S.H.I.E.L.D and HYDRA and possibly since Loki, she felt completely calm, at ease.

She didn't want to ruin such a rare moment with her own useless insecurities. Besides she found herself believing him. He's never lied to her before and he would never lie to her now.

So both the Spy and the Soldier sat there. Relaxing and just trying to forget whatever they saw…and for those few moments of complete quiet, they did. For those few moments they both forgot about Ultron and whatever he was planning, they forgot the nightmares, they forgot their pasts and they forgot about being heroes. Right now they were just Steve Rogers and Natasha Romanoff, two lost, lonely people trying to put themselves back together again.

"Come on, if we don't go back inside the rest are gonna start worrying and come out looking for us," Steve said getting up and offering her his hand.

Natasha gave him a smile in return as she took it. As much as she wanted to continue this with him she knew he was right. The others would start to worry, especially Clint.

"You know Clint was watching the entire time right?" Steve told her as helped her up.

"I know he's been watching since I got out here," she said rolling her eyes and dusting herself off.

"For a master sniper I thought he'll be better," Steve mused earning a laugh from the red haired spy.

"Only when he needs to be," Natasha smirked up at him.

"Ready to go in, Ma'am," Steve teased as he offered her his arm.

Natasha beamed a smile at him as she took it graciously.

Both Steve and Natasha made their way back inside knowing that though they were okay right now, this wasn't something that could be healed in a day or forgotten once more. The reason it affected them so much on seeing the faces of their pasts was because they gave it time to build up. They decided to push it out of their minds and try and forget it and in the process they only made it worse. Fears will always be present and even the strongest have them. The difference is how everyone chooses to deal with them: pushing them away or confronting them and trying to move one. Moving on is exactly like having a fear. The more you postpone it, the harder it is to let go.

Natasha wasn't sure where things would go on from here. She wasn't sure if she would ever truly get over her past but after what her conversation with Steve she decided he was right. What happened in her past doesn't define who she is today. She was no longer Natalia Romanova, Red Room spy; she was now Natasha Romanoff, Black Widow and Avenger.

Steve, her and the rest of the team had a long way to go if they wanted to heal and she knew it wasn't going to be easy.

But as she walked back inside arm and arm with Steve she felt that if given time, if given the chance, she could begin to heal. Not now, not tomorrow and not until Ultron was taken care of but she decided if she had Steve like this, by her side, she can do it. With a new found promise she would heal and in the process she'll help Steve heal too in any way she could. She wouldn't allow anyone to cause him pain again. She would protect him just like he protected her.

Besides there were two things she had do before she began: 1, kill Clint for spying on her and 2…she needed to rethink this whole Bruce thing.

* * *

 _ **"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."**_  
 _ **― Tupac Shakur**_

* * *

 _ **AN: Yay, I finally got it finished after 2 days of brain murdering trying to get it done and be happy with the result. I hope it was worth the wait and I tried to get not only as accurate to the characters personalities as I could but to add as many feels to it as possible while staying true. Review and let me know what you think. Sorry for the length but like I said I tried to get it the best I could.**_

 _ **I'm looking for a beta so if's anyones interested just pm me.**_

 _ **PS: Sorry for possible ooc (but hey if the director got to make Natasha ooc when she talked to Bruce I think I can get away with a slight ooc moment).**_


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